For my next trick, well, I have been talking around corners in this topic about a couple of movies, but I intentionally never mentioned their titles. I'm going to go ahead and explain why I wanted barbed wire and a green umbrella now, that part of the contest is now invalid.
Every farmhand in the country has seen strange lights at night where there's nothing to make lights. Every farmhand in the country has seen... something moving above the trees at night that is not a bird, it is not a plane, and moves like no vehicle can move. Every farmhand knows about that one valley or stand of trees far away from any trails or power lines, where if you leave your 4x4 or golf cart out there overnight, in the morning the battery will be dead and if you leave your phone in the console the battery on that will be dead too. Every farm owner has had a horse or a cow or a sheep go missing and never find the carcass.
It wasn't until I saw the documentary film "Nope" that I realized that all of those phenomena are the same thing, and it's a critter. Hopefully, by now, you have figured out that this psycho thinks that he can fight a JEAN JACKET IN MELEE COMBAT and win with minor injuries. I'm going to use the barbed wire to make myself inedible and I'm going to use the green umbrella to pick a fight with it.
I can do it. That fellow Angel in that movie, he went into Jean Jacket's maw and the barb wire hurt him worse than the creature's digestion. Angel installed Cable TV for a living, I twist barbed wire for a living, the kinds of injuries barb wire does to me, I call that the cost of doing business. Furthermore, the movie showed Jean Jacket as being like 200 feet wide at least, in real life they're no more than 25-50 feet, at least the ones I've seen. In a rural area with more wild hogs than humans in the county, a dozen Jean Jackets (or Pork Jackets as I call the Panhandle morph of Occulonimbis Edoequus) could easily thrive, and nobody would ever notice.
Wednesday I have to go out to a place I have called "Stratocat Valley" ever since I noticed that there's ALWAYS EXACTLY ONE CLOUD hanging over the limestone wastes by the mill pond. I'm taking my rakes and shovels and trimmers, but I'm also taking my anti-tornado-assed-cloudsnake panoply. I'm gonna kill me a Pork Jacket, ride the corpse back to Earth in the Superhero Landing Pose, cut off a slice and cook it up. If they can eat us, we can eat them. Then I'm going to get some pictures and post them on here so you jokers will believe me. If I never post again after this Tuesday, then you will know (if not believe) why, I finally met an IRL boss fight I couldn't beat.
(edit) Welp, still here and sadly without any tasty UAP steaks. Stop me if you already heard this one, but the boss lady hired some other guys to do the south side hedge at the edge of the valley because I haven't been out there in a month since I was busy moving into my new place and most of my implements were in storage. I used to get 80 bucks for that hedge and it took me five or six hours. Now there's two guys that do it with a cherrypicker attachment and charge her 200 for the same job. I just pulled stumps and vines around her house all day. So unfortunately, I won't ever get another shot at that stratocat unless I trespass to do it. Heh heh. Did you hear that Tone? I said I'm not going to get another shot unless I trespass.
