- Ugh. Note to self: proofread more when changing stuff. That "clockwise" is from a previous draft where the switch was a valve, and makes no sense now. (See also: being cold while half a light minute away from a class F star, hee hee)
- I don't think that quoted excerpt specifically is a problem, but you may be right about me overdoing that scene in general with repeatedly pointing out how badly she's injured and hurting.
Though I'm surprised your chosen example wasn't along the lines of "Oh, what did the HVDs do to the target
this time? No, no, let me guess."
On that note, are the gestures, expressions and other physical movements the characters make during dialogue fine, or also excessive?
- For battle scenes in future fics I think I'll tend towards writing scenes closer to the character POVs, with less omniscient narration - although my current plans involve a lot less combat anyway.
were every action freeze in bullet time and even a blink need superlatives to describe how the sparkles of the last shot reflected in the captain's cold azure gaze, as her eyelashes graciously accompanied the movement of her hair waving from the recoil of the silver plated 18mm hand-made centuries old gun... I completely exaggerate
That... that's actually beautifully poetic (even if half of it doesn't make sense) and I want to write something like it every chance I get!
(I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I know full well things like that should only be used once per work)